Little parenting help

[Nick87]

Full disclaimer this has nothing to do with hunting in any way shape or form. Looking for a little friendly advice here from others who've been in this situation or maybe a teacher or school staffs experience. We moved last year and my step son who is a sophomore this year started at the new school. He's having a hell of a time making friends and fitting in. He's gotten himself worked into a pretty depressed spot. (Tajes no interest in things he likes,gets home from school and goes to bed). He wont open up about any of it to either his mom or I. The more we try to talk to him about it the more he kocks up. Just begs and pleads in the morning not to go that he doesn't fit in. When at school he eats no lunch and half the time doesn't go to class just hangs out in the stair well (Also totally not like him). He's a pretty quiet kid who's never had all that many friends but always had a couple that he hung with. I'm not of much help to him as I am not never was that much of a people person. Only had a handful of people in school that I hung with due to the fact my only friends were other kids who hunted and fished seemed like lol. As you can imagine it's making things around home difficult for the entire family. My wife is a mess. Anyone with any experience witha. Similar situation would be more than appreciated. I know what my parents would have told me. But things seem a little different this day and age. Maybe that's the problem we're being too soft, but I don't thinknthats the answer in this situation.

 

[Deleted member 20812]

I’d get him in to see a counselor.

 

[Nick87]

I’d get him in to see a counselor.

Thanks we've taken that step. Actually he has had one before this.

 

[GoGriz]

Has he been able to get involved with sports or clubs? When we moved around some as kids sports and clubs were the only way I really found new friends.

 

[Nick87]

Has he been able to get involved with sports or clubs? When we moved around some as kids sports and clubs were the only way I really found new friends.

He used to play basketball but won't show any interest in trying out here. Also tried to get him involved in other extra curricular but he's not going for it. And at 15 it's hard to get him interested.

 

[FairWeather]

I’m not a parent, so I’m no help, but I don’t think you’re being too soft. High school is a hard time in life. A lot of changes, and very little say in anything. Where did you you move to/from? Was it a large culture shift? That can make it hard to make new friends, as you’re easily ID’d as an outsider.

Have you tried making friends yourself with any of the other parents at school? That might be a way to open some doorways for the kid.

 

[Frenchy]

That's a tough one, I'm no expert on the subject. The only suggestion I can offer is to not try to solve his issue, but to actively listen to his concerns with empathy. Let him know that you understand what he's going through is tough. Just the simple act of hearing him and validating his concerns will hopefully help ease the tensions at home.

Beyond that, I would probably try to spend more 1 on 1 time with him. May be easier said than done. I don't have teenagers yet, so I haven't got to the point where they don't want to hang out with me.

Good Luck

 

[DouglasR]

I would try to get him to keep trying new things until he finds something he really likes or somewhere he fits in.

Touching on the being too tuff on him thing, how do you ever know what’s “right”
I remember coming home from wrestling in 6th grade and begging and crying to my parents to let me quit.
They wouldn’t and after that first year it ended up being one of the most fun and rewarding experiences of my youth.
Kinda taught me that if you just stick with something you can learn and get better at it.

 

[Moserkr]

Moving to a different high school would be rough unless its something you're used to, like an army kid. My only advice would be to take him to visit his old friends, its obvious he misses them. May hurt at first but it will restore a sense of who he was at his last school.

Thats just a thought when I try to put myself in his shoes. I never moved around during my school years, but never had an issue with making friends or being alone. Been marching to the beat of my own drum my whole life and I know not everyones like that.

 

[2rocky]

Beyond that, I would probably try to spend more 1 on 1 time with him. May be easier said than done. I don't have teenagers yet, so I haven't got to the point where they don't want to hang out with me.

Good Luck

I'm gonna concur with the bolded....For me road trips of 2 plus hours seem to make conversations happen. Of course kill the electronics unless he wants to share his favorite playlist through the car radio.


You might also make a evening habit of conversations that don't directly deal with a problem. Something along the lines of a Conversation card pack.


If that seems too contrived, look up some good convo starters...

List of Conversation Starters​

• What is the most beautiful place you have been?
• What is your favorite season? Why?
• If you had to change your name, what would your new name be?
• What is something that really annoys you?
• What is your biggest fear? Why?
• What is the best gift you have ever been given?
• If you opened a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
• What is your favorite holiday? Why?
• If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
• What was the last book you read?
• Describe yourself in two words.
• How much time do you spend on the internet? What do you usually do?
• What is your favorite dessert?
• What is one goal you have for the year?
• Would you rather go back in time or go to the future?
• Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?
• If you could invent something, what would it be?
• What is one of the most important things you’ve learned?
• What is one thing you can’t leave home without?
• What is one thing that you are really good at?
• What is the best vacation you have ever been on?
• What is your favorite thing to do to relax?
• What is your earliest memory?
• Would you rather live in a house, on a boat, or in space?
• Would you rather stay up late or go to bed early?
• What is your favorite thing to do with your family?
• If you had intro music, what song would it be? Why?
• What word or saying from the past do you think should come back?
• What is the best room in your house? Why?
• What is a TV series you enjoy?
• What is your favorite flavor of ice cream
• If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
• What is your favorite TV Show or favorite movie?
• Do you have something you would consider a guilty pleasure?
• What is one food that you could eat every day for the rest of your life?
• Name one thing you have on your bucket list.
• What is your favorite sport to watch or to play?
• What is your favorite restaurant in your home town?
• If you could get rid of one social media platform, what would it be?

I'm gonna share a little of my experience as a Teen in HS . Even though I started on the football team, I never felt accepted by my teammates. I really didn't have a "group" and felt the same way as your son many times. 20 years later, I learned that it wasn't that I didn't have friends but that everyone knew me but couldn't necessarily get close.



One other thing for your son is if he can get a chance to mentor someone. He needs to know someone is lookin to him as an example. If he can help coach a youth basketball team (not be the head coach , but have a defined role in running drills and showing fundamentals) he will have a sense of responsibility and authority. This is great for self confidence.

For me it was caring for a group of livestock, and see the effect of my daily feeding and care. They were always happy to see me at feeding time. I got to see them grow and become adult animals. This has been something my kids have always had.

One final last thing, is an individual sport you two and his mother can do together. I see cross country running and track creating confident athletes from shy wallflowers. The endorphins from the exercise do wonders for mood and self image. Even if it is playing golf and hitting at the driving range, he see's his own talent and power .

other individual sports:
boxing, wrestling, fencing, martial arts, tennis, ice skating, skiing, swimming, horse events, water skiing, snow skiing

 

[Jbotto]

One final last thing, is an individual sport you two and his mother can do together. I see cross country running and track creating confident athletes from shy wallflowers. The endorphins from the exercise do wonders for mood and self image. Even if it is playing golf and hitting at the driving range, he see's his own talent and power .

other individual sports:
boxing, wrestling, fencing, martial arts, tennis, ice skating, skiing, swimming, horse events, water skiing, snow skiing

Yep! I never did the team sport thing but loved the Venture Crew archery after school league that the local Scouts put on. Didn’t have to be a scout to participate in it either. Archery was probably my saving grace in high school. I shot every afternoon in either a league or around our farm from freshman to senior year but have since gotten out of it.

 

[Dsnow9]

That's a tough one, I'm no expert on the subject. The only suggestion I can offer is to not try to solve his issue, but to actively listen to his concerns with empathy. Let him know that you understand what he's going through is tough. Just the simple act of hearing him and validating his concerns will hopefully help ease the tensions at home.

Beyond that, I would probably try to spend more 1 on 1 time with him. May be easier said than done. I don't have teenagers yet, so I haven't got to the point where they don't want to hang out with me.

Good Luck

I think the 1 on 1 time would be very valuable.

 

[FreezerHunter]

It sounds like he needs a project. Something he can be successful doing (and I am not talking about feeling successful, but something he actually accomplishes and is proud of). Barring truly antisocial or bad behavior, “fitting in” isn’t worth it if he has to become something he isn’t. A project or task he can complete (preferably one that can at least eventually involve a club or group of people sharing a similar interest) might help build some confidence.

At 15 driving is around the corner. Maybe a project car the two of you can work on?

Build your own computer or some such electronic gizmo he might be interested in?

I know a kid who built his own electric car.

Woodworking? Metalwork? Welding?

Join the choir at school. He doesn’t need prior experience nor does he have to fit in, he just has to sing and try to improve. He will find a friend or two there (and there are girls in choir).

Get some lessons on an instrument so he can join the band or orchestra.

Sounds like he is stuck in a loop. Doesn’t feel like he fits in, so he doesn’t want to try anything, which further makes him feel like he doesn’t fit in and makes it even harder to try. Just going to have to break the cycle. A project might help earn the confidence to try.

I agree with not trying to solve it for him. I’ve always tried to walk along side my kids when they are down and help them carry their load, but they have to figure it out. Kinda like when you take the training wheels off. I ran along for a bit, but they have to figure it out. There will probably be bumps and bruises and scrapes I can help with, but I can’t ride the bike for them.

Technology and social media can keep kids down. Pretty easy to disappear in a virtual world rather than exist in the real world. Might need to limit or at least closely monitor these in his life.

My two cents. Worth what you pay for it!

 

[Jofes]

As far as my limited experience, he's going to have to put himself out there at some point and be rejected, or accepted, and move on.

Making friends is hard for most guys in my opinion, and school seems to be a place you build friendships more than start them.

If he has interest in anything I would find a way to make that social, games, dirt bikes, sports, martial arts, fishing, I personally spent a lot of time fishing with buddies, or playing random sports I sucked at. Most of the guys I hung out with were older than me but being interested in the same thing got the relationship started.

Also, if can find a church youth group, that if healthy, aren't too crazy and make an effort to include everyone, Regardless of if they all believe the same thing.

 

[Clam]

Buy him a backhoe. Log splitters apparently can make a lot of friends as well.

A car, truck or boat project might also work, and be rewarding.

 

[FreezerHunter]

Archery, Muzzleloading, Rocketry, 4-H, Scouts, Air Scouts (kids can earn a pilot’s license by the time they graduate high school!), Guitar lessons, dog obedience classes with his very own dog, volunteer at an animal shelter or food bank or hospital or library or zoo, horseback riding, fishing, fly tying, gardening, restore an old tractor, FFA, a man has to have purpose! Find an interest and encourage it!

 

[Moserkr]

I like the build a car idea. Something cool yet practical, will help make friends and allow the opportunity to drive to a job. I started work at 15, then was able to afford to drive myself around after turning 16. Girls like driving around in topless, doorless jeep wrangler, just saying.

 

[brymoore]

I’m a guy with an economics degree so consider that before taking my advice.

This sounds like hormonal stuff for a teenager. His body is changing, his life is changing and his brain is trying to catch up. He’s thinking about it too much.

I’d make him go to class, lunch and get some structure in his life. No more stair well time. Period. If he was my kid, he’d have a work list at home too. I’d take him on adventures on the weekend. I wouldn’t give him idle time to be depressed. Make him be active.

It will get better with time.

 

[Nick87]

I’m a guy with an economics degree so consider that before taking my advice.

This sounds like hormonal stuff for a teenager. His body is changing, his life is changing and his brain is trying to catch up. He’s thinking about it too much.

I’d make him go to class, lunch and get some structure in his life. No more stair well time. Period. If he was my kid, he’d have a work list at home too. I’d take him on adventures on the weekend. I wouldn’t give him idle time to be depressed. Make him be active.

It will get better with time.

We keep him pretty busy at home with chores always have and as much 1 on 1 time as possible more so as of lately. As far as the stair well it's on the school I'm not there with him and can't physically move him to the classroom.

For me it was caring for a group of livestock, and see the effect of my daily feeding and care. They were always happy to see me at feeding time. I got to see them grow and become adult animals. This has been something my kids have always had.

This one hits home we always have too until this past year when we moved I haven't had the time/extra money this year to pour concrete. He has raised a group of hogs for the last few summers and does extremely well with them which was surprising for a town kid who never was around it before. He seemed to really enjoy it and has asked several times if I'll have something setup for him next year which we should.

 

[Nick87]

This sounds like hormonal stuff for a teenager. His body is changing, his life is changing and his brain is trying to catch up. He’s thinking about it too much.

Yah that and the fact that his dad pretty much bailed on him over the summer triggered quite a bit of this anxiety he's going through along with all the other shit you have to deal with as a teenager. Nice huh.