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Dilemma

esracerx

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Aug 13, 2015
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462
So, my sister has a new boyfriend. I don't know him that well, just from what other people have told me. Apparently the kid is pretty well off as his family has a pretty big jewelry store. By all accounts he sounds like a decent guy...but he has one hell of a story. It's a story thats a pretty big hang up for me and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Especially as a sportsmen. Since everybody here is as well you seem like the perfect group to understand where I'm coming from and maybe offer up an opinion.

So, in 2011 the guy was 21. He was at someones house after Christmas probably for a party of some sort. For some reason he decides to bring a gun. Not sure why other than to be a stupid kid showing off his gun. At this point he drops the clip and points it at his 19 year old friend. He puts the gun to the kids chest and drops the hammer. Problem...one was in the chamber. His friend ended up dying from the bullet to the chest. The family of the kid that died allowed the shooter to show up early to the funeral. They were under the assumption it was accidental discharge. Then they read the police report. In 2013 the prosecutor along with the family and defense attorney agreed that a 2 year prison sentence was justified.

By all accounts the guy was never in any trouble other than that one incident. He served the time he was given. I just can't quite get over the stupidity of it. That's rule 1 in guns. Assume its loaded and point it only at things you want to shoot. I'm more competent than some when it comes to firearms. But I am by no means comfortable enough to even go to a concealed carry class. It's one reason I don't use firearms aside from coyote. I'm not comfortable with my own ability to handle them.

This unfortunate event makes me question the young mans intelligence...even if I can dismiss the event in and of itself. I respect all of you here, so I'd love to hear what you have to think. When I asked my sister about if she knew his history it was a very nonchalant yeah, I don't care whatever. She's 24 so she's a big girl. But still. Im not sure what to think.
 
I work in Law Enforcement and have a definite set of religious beliefs. I believe people make stupid mistakes all the time. Some you can recover from and others...not so much. I am a firm believer that you can forgive people for mistakes but that does not mean you have to forget why they did. I also believe that the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That all boils down to my religious beliefs tell me to forgive but the cop tells me not to forget.

If you feel very strong about the incident, get a copy of the police report, read it all and then talk with him about it. If he admits he made a huge mistake and does not try and dismiss his stupidity...maybe that will help you to be able to get past it.
 
I went on a hunting trip with a lifelong friend and his brother once. We were in the cabin one night and was pointing an unloaded pistol with a crimson trace grip at some of the guys. It didn't end well me and my buddy are still friends but he and his brother always hunt together. Therefore we dont hunt together anymore. I miss hunting with my buddy but not at the cost of someone pointing a gun at me. I'll never forget that or tolerate it but that's just me.
 
First off, IMHO being absolutely stupid and killing someone like that deserved more than the two years he got to think about it. Second, I'd tell my sister to literally not bring the guy within shooting distance of me! If the guy was 21 when he did that, he was an adult, not a kid, and I don't know that I could ever forgive him for a stupid stunt that took a life like that.
 
I went on a hunting trip with a lifelong friend and his brother once. We were in the cabin one night and was pointing an unloaded pistol with a crimson trace grip at some of the guys. It didn't end well me and my buddy are still friends but he and his brother always hunt together. Therefore we dont hunt together anymore. I miss hunting with my buddy but not at the cost of someone pointing a gun at me. I'll never forget that or tolerate it but that's just me.
 
I can't believe I don't remember reading or hearing about this I live about 10 miles west of woodstock. Esracerx, are you In mchenry county as well?
 
As you said , your sister is a big girl. Was it incredibly stupid? Yep. Are all 21 year olds capable of incredibly stupid shit? Yep. Talk to him about if you want, but realize that living in judgement of him could also jeopardize your relationship with your sister. He paid his penance, it's time to move on.
 
That's a tough one. Once when I was about 13 or so my brother and I were at a friends house. This guy grabbed a presumedly unloaded bolt action rifle and was messing around with it, then proceeded to point it at my brother's head from across the room. He thought it was pretty funny until he pointed it at the ceiling and pulled the trigger, discharging a round. Needless to say, we were no longer friends after that. People make some pretty dumb mistakes. I guess you have to decide if this one is enough to outweigh the rest of who he is.
 
We all do dumb stuff when were young, but to point a gun at anyone point blank and pull the trigger is about as stupid as someone could possibly get. Its one thing to forgive. Its a whole other thing to ever trust someone after doing that. Hopefully he's grown up/changed and hope the best for you and your sister. That would be an awfully tuff pill for me to swallow, but I also don't understand the situation or know him as well as you.
 
This is a tough one. If I had all the stupid stuff I've done when I was younger held against me I'd be in a world of hurt, that being said I have never even came close to anything like taking ones life,that is very serious. Gun safety was instilled in me from a young age. Like others have said maybe try to get to know him and see how remorseful he may or may not be. IMHO no remorse or owning the actions would not be a sign of very good character, he still has opportunity to have a life,the other boys opportunity was taken from him. Not an easy situation your in my best advice would be to follow your heart it won't let you down.
 
The only advice is to be cautious. He was stupid and got off lite.

Would not go hunting with him.

Hopefully, he learned something.

I would let your sister handle her end with no words from you.

Touchy situation!
 
im with 7mm08 , this is a tough one , no one knows whats in a mans heart but GOD, or weather he feels real remorse and guilt. like the officer said a persons past can show future choices , if the past is a list of documented bad choices. but you have listed a single incident with noting prior or past. all of us need to forgive and be forgiven. without spending real time around this person and getting to know him, its all speculation. also no of us where in the room when the weapon discharged and saw his reaction in the moments that followed. listen your heart as you get to know him , extend him some grace, his behavior and actions will show you his real identity. then after some time your choice to accept him or to keep a relational distance should become quite clear. also a persons speech can reveal identity. Jesus said in Matthew 12:34 "that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" who a person truly is, is also revealed through speech in normal everyday conversation. thoughts, desires, dreams, ideology...etc if real wickedness lies within people it will escape through their speech.
 
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Wise words OregonChris. This is a tough one. I think a private conversation with the young man would be very revealing after straight up asking him about it and what happened. If he is any kind of a person he most assuredly would have an overwhelming sense of guilt and anger at himself and his actions that day years ago. It's something that will never leave him and is a burden that he will have to carry with him forever. Imagine in your own shows how horrible that would be! Yes that other young man will never get to grow up and he will never have children of his own and his parents will never get to see their son do so many things that they hoped to be a part of, but this fellow also will be forever changed. I have a lot of grace and compassion for everyone involved in this situation.
 
I would say:

1) You and your sister's relationship is the most important. No "I told you so", "hindsight is 50/50" etc. She's an adult - be there if she needs it. The only 2 people that know all the facts of the relationship are the ones in it. You can be a brother / sounding board but not a therapist.

2) I would never be around the guy except for "forced family" situations. Be cordial, but in no way would I have anything above that.
 
I would say:

1) You and your sister's relationship is the most important. No "I told you so", "hindsight is 50/50" etc. She's an adult - be there if she needs it. The only 2 people that know all the facts of the relationship are the ones in it. You can be a brother / sounding board but not a therapist.

2) I would never be around the guy except for "forced family" situations. Be cordial, but in no way would I have anything above that.


+1 to this
 
He's living his own Hell. I hope it doesn't become your sister's. Lots of psychological damage that will surface for the rest of his life.
 
Tough one here. I would meet the kid and you decide for yourself what you think of him. We can all agree he was really really stupid for doing it. You said yourself, by all accounts he's a good guy. Maybe this truly was just one horrible decision on his part. Reading the article, the parents originally thought it was truly an accident and it was an accidental discharge. That's why they let him come before hand to the funeral home. It's after they found out it was a being really stupid accident, that they felt differently, but they still were good with the 2 years, which to me means they felt good about the young man's character to some extent. That's what I took from her quotes. But that's me just reading into it too.
 
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