Ridge Runner
New member
This has been around before but everytime I read it it still cracks me up
One of my favorites
The notes
>>are
>>from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
>>from
>>the East Coast:
>>
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
>>the
>>Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
>>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
>>accepted."
>>
>>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>
>>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
>>Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
>>dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>>the look on my face.
>>
>>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>like
>>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
>>in
>>the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>>
>>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
>>look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
>>aphrodisiac?
>>
>>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>>can
>>no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices
>>and peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>>slut
>>Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
>>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili
>>peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
>>Judge
>>#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like
>>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
>>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
>>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>>in my stomach.
>>
>>Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
>>over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
>>going
>>to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
One of my favorites The notes
>>are
>>from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
>>from
>>the East Coast:
>>
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
>>the
>>Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
>>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
>>accepted."
>>
>>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>
>>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
>>Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
>>dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>>the look on my face.
>>
>>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>like
>>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
>>in
>>the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>>
>>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
>>look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
>>aphrodisiac?
>>
>>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>>can
>>no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices
>>and peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>>slut
>>Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
>>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili
>>peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
>>Judge
>>#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like
>>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
>>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
>>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>>in my stomach.
>>
>>Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
>>over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
>>going
>>to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
