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You Know It's Time To Diet When....
You Know It's Time To Diet When.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You dance and it makes the band skip. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. Your... -
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The Joys of Womanhood
My wife saw this and asked me to post it ... Brilliant Woman Author Unknown Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it... -
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'nuff said
'nuff said <FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ 04 July 2001 15:26: Message edited by: GRUNT ]</font> -
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good memory..x-rated
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!" The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my... -
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breakfast
John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one morning and sat down at a table. Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs fried hard, a slice of toast burned to a cinder, and a cup of very weak coffee." As she set the order in front of him, she asked, "Anything else... -
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A Cowboy's Guide to Life
A Cowboy's Guide to Life: Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop... -
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Wyoming Bar
A guy walks into a bar in Wyoming and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Idaho." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Idaho?"... -
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Special Diet for you women
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day. BREAKFAST 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole-wheat toast 1 cup skim milk LUNCH small portion lean, steamed chicken 1 cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey kiss AFTERNOON TEA... -
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The Perfect Breakfast
The Perfect Breakfast: - You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. - Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. - Your wife is on the back of the milk carton. 'nuff said -
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House Painting made easy
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she... -
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Because you're my friend
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality. * When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. * When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. * When you smile...I'll know you... -
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Texas Wall
Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Okie are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie Pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie. The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also... -
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Salesman Joke
A Salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met... -
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let me get this straight
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's... -
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Smarts
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and... -
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mad cow disease
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."... -
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Bad dreams
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!" Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I... -
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seeing eye dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns... -
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fastest thing in the world
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you ***** your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking...
